A deep fall..

it has been long since i last blogged.. reason being.. i had been too happy in the past 8 months.. God gave me the best gift, Gerald.. i can still remember the first day i saw him, outside Social House.That was the first time i saw him and the first sentence i told him was' thanks for saying my face fat'.Then, i saw his first smile.. I am someone who dont dare to dance.. But i was forced by my friend michelle to dance, but Gerald embraced me, give me the courage to continue dancing.. The first hug.. it was so different.. seems like somebody whom i've known for very long, very familiar, very warmth.. then, slowly, he walked into my life.. helped me overcome my fear in relationships though he has his fear too as he was hurt very deeply by his ex gf..He told me his love for me will never fade..And he told me to trust him, and i would be his everything..
Our first date was at Changi Airport's TCC.. its stupid to go over to such a far tcc.. but we know, we wanted to spent more time with each other..we had breakfast at 302 and he send me to school everyday, and fetch me from school everyday.. Then soon after, he went to Australia for training.. and i had to concentrate on my A lvls.. he went there for about a month and he told me to wait for him.. I did.. over the month, he send letters to me( which he prepared earlier ago) and send them to me.. Inside were his pictures holding 'I love you' and how much he miss me.. he even quote poem from a book..He said" I will not let you have the chance to forget about me".. On my birthday when he was still overseas, he bought me a digital camera..i guess he wants me to capture all the beautiful moments with him.. He even video himself singing a birthday song for me and hid the video inside my laptop..in the video he said" dear dont say i never sing birthday song for you on ur birthday hor'.. Michelle passed me these gifts and i slowly open up the hints to my laptop and saw them. i was so touched.. On my birthday itself, i even received flowers from him.. i waited patiently for his calls everyday..
Finally he is back.. He got me a Roxy water bottle,a Dior's perfume and a small kangaroo from Australia.. I agreed to be with him.. And i really looked forward to days being with him.. He accompanied me throughout the rest of my Alvls..like when i am hungry and tired while studying, he would send over bread, chicken essence and chocolates.He even bought me clothes and Bikinis and my prom dress.. When i woked up.. i know Gerald is always there for me.. unknowingly, i handed my life for him to take care of.. He brought me to his best friends, Anthony and Jason, his family members and i brought him to mine too.. we also had the experience of going up to the stage and me eating crickets..
Soon, Christmas is coming.. Gerald brought me to Mount Faber to have fine dining.. And the ambience there was really good.. and we exchanged our scrapbook for each other.. it was such a sweet night..the dinner itself cost him 400 plus dollars. But he was willing to spend it..But we promised to save after that..He signed a credit card for me and i remember he told me 'Dear if you see something you like or you need the money very urgently you can use the credit card first'..But i didnt really used it cos i know that's his hard earn money.. More and more, i believed that he was my right guy as he give me his trust.. And i told myself, no matter rich or poor, i'll stick with him.. Not because of the gifts from him, its because of all the love, care and concern i got from him.. I started giving in more.. cook for him whenever i can.. look after him when he is sick.. giving all my love and care for him even though sometimes he feel that i treated him like a kid.. i tried my best to help him to remind little things he would forget to bring while going to work, remind him to buy his e license.. in my notebook was all about reminding him.. And he will give me morning call everyday to wake me up.. it was so nice..we even spent our New Year together..
two months passed. it was Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day.. he was stuck in camp because of 2NTM duty.. he was very disappointed but its ok, i told him i will visit him on 15 feb at his camp.. he got his mum and sister to send flowers to my house( another surprise).. i made chocolates, beef burger, and bought him a couple bracelet and send them all to his camp.. when i saw him eating my chocolates n the food i made, i felt so contented.. so happy..And i know i love him.. Afew days later, he exchanged the duty with his friends and surprise me outside my house.. when i saw him i was over the moon! jumping with joy.. we went shopping at town... he bought me to a dining place at clark quay when he finished his duty and gave me a polaroid camera( As a valentine day's gift).. I am so used to him by my side and even times where he was stuck at camp, i didnt blame him cos i know we both have our hearts in each other.. he would told me how much he love me and miss me..
unfortunately , i got back my Alvls results and i got very poor grade and i couldnt enter local uni.. I know he blamed himself for appearing at the wrong time and distracted me from studying.. but i know it wasnt his fault.. But still, he knows i am upset and he brought me to west coast and accompanied me all the way.. he said he will be with me no matter what.. And i know no matter what happens, i have him.. i trusted him.. during IT show, he bought an I phone for me cos he feel that my phone is old enought to change one, though i didnt ask for it.. and he sign a multi Sim for me(his no) cos it will enable me to use internet.. Soon, he was send to OCS.. he told me work load will be alot.. and it will be very stressful.. he will have alot of field camps.. But to me, it doesnt matter at all.. i know he doesnt have to accompany me everyday if he is busy, cos we both love each other.. but he did make an effort to send me back from work whenever he has the time.. i appreciate that.. though after some time our topics got lesser and lesser cos he was tired with work but it doesnt matter. cos i know, of cos after some time i know we gotta get a lil more serious and things are not honey moon already, i know that.. sometimes he got stressed up over his work and had a little temper.. but i will jus keep quiet and give in cos i know he is stressed up.. to me, when he hold my hands, i felt as though those were not problems anymore..But he felt that couples quarrelling is normal, to me i would rather not quarrel as there is no need to.. i didnt know that this will lead him thinking that he failed to make me happy when we r together..little do i know that.. there are actually lesser and lesser understanding between us..
Soon, it was his birthday, 13 April.. we both got off days.. i cooked egg mee sua for him.. made an oreo cheese cake for him, and bought a CK wallet for him.. I blame myself for not organising his birthday well cos in the end he suggested that we go wave house and celebrate.. His friends also went to celebrate with him.. though there were only a few of us.. i know he is very happy as his best friends were around.. i feel so so happy for him when i know that he is happy..I love this man, and he didnt lie to me all these while, which makes me cherish him even more. he would stay at my house from mon to fri cos saffti is near my house and i would stay at his house on weekends..we are like little husband and wife :)
I remembered i once asked him what he love about me.. And he told me it was my sporty look and behaviours.. I guess he love seeing me play volleyball..But i always failed to let him see cos i am worried that i will perform lousy in front of him.. Then someone approached me to join National Beach Volleyball.. Though Gerald ask me to join.. He always ask me to do the things that i wanted.. I know he didnt want me to give up anything i like cos of him.. But i rejected Beach Volleyball cos i thought i want to spent more time with him.. I guess this is a big mistake.. cos i know he would really enjoy seeing us training while he is sun tanning and i realise this will instead, strengthen our love for each other.. I chose to work and earn money instead even though i didnt went for beach Volleyall.. I hate myself for neglecting him..
Then, it was june period.. I was having alot of work cos there are alot of roadshows going on ,i even had to work on saturdays and sundays.. he was also, busy with his work.. but he had offs on weekend.. we had lesser and lesser days with each other to a point that we work and got home and sleep and go work and got home and sleep.. furthermore, due to his work stress, he got more and more negative about the materialistic world, and even love.. i did tried to get off days but i guess it was all too late..
on 3 july, i went for a family dinner.. it was on a sunday and i know for the next 5 days he will be going to outfield.. cos after his bball match on sunday i told him to came over to my house cos i wanted to see him a lil while more.. i still remembered he said..' who want to see you ' with a smile on his face and then he kiss me on my lips and forehead and hugged me tightly.. i was so happy.. never do i know that that will be the last hug and last kiss.. the next day, i joked with him.. but i guess i made a wrong joke at a wrong time when he was stressed.. he suggested a broke up the next day.. i was shattered.. he told me he felt so shady about our future and he said he is tired about the world.. he said he doesnt want to drag me into his situation.. he felt that our love has faded.. which i feel that its cos of the lack of communication and time for each other all other stuffs like work..he felt that i was unhappy and he said he will not hold on to things that he failed.. at first i thought he would treat this as an obstacle for us to overcome, but he gave up cos he feel that he couldnt sort himself and y he is like that....mayb he doesnt love me anymore.. my heart sank.. i fall into the deep deep well.. i didnt know our love was so fragile.. i thought we were strong.. i thought we were stable.. i got so used to him by my side.. I just want to be there for him through the ups and downs of life, but he didnt gave me that chance..he would rather face the cruel world on his own, leading a lonely life..i will never ever hurt him.. all i need was his trust for me.. and i will go through everything in life with him..thats my promise for him.
it has been about ten days. and i am still waking up with fear everyday..when i open my eyes, i have to told myself, Gerald is not there anymore. when i open my eyes, i have to tell myself i am alone..i have to adapt to living my life without him..my heart would hurt.. cos i rely too much on him all these while, resulting from our love becoming hurt and pain to me. I am so afraid of the world all of a sudden..when i looked at the i phone, my heart beat would increased cos i am so so afraid.. each time i looked at facebook about his updates, my heart will hurt.. i dont know since when i became so fragile.. i miss him so much in my heart. wondering how has he been..
i wrote all this not because i want to show to the world anything, its because i want to remember every little things he had done for me.I dont want to forget them.. This 8 months will be the happiest time in my life. I will leave everything to fate.. if we are meant to be together, we will be when the time is right..i will not force him though my heart is bleeding.. i rather God take back all his gifts for me, rather than his love and concern for me. I hope God will bless Gerald to be healthy and happy, and i pray for his knee to recover soon. even when the whole world turn out on him, i will be there.


To me, Gerald is someone who never fails to do his work with pride and hard work, he is always so responsible, never even complaint no matter how tired he is. he is faithful and caring, someone who can really be a good boyfriend but he didnt realise it. yes, to me he is just this good. and i love him. I just hope that one day, he will turn back and look for me..